Awesome Days

Tuesday was the best day I've had in ages! I was really happy for almost the entire day, and I got a lot done. The only downside to the day was that it snowed! I really want winter to be done. 

School was good, I got a lesson and a half done of chemistry. I also filled out my application for summer co-op. 

After that I bussed to my appointment with my psychologist. I had a good session with her, we talked about how well I am doing recently. I have been having less panic attacks, dissociating less, and functioning well in school and co-op. We also had a small discussion about the possibility that I have inattentive ADHD. I told her how my previous psychologist and psychiatrist thought I might have it, but weren't sure because they thought it might be just a symptom of the depression because I was in the middle of a depressive episode at the time and depression can cause focus issues. But now I am not really clinically depressed (even though I have days where I feel depressed), but I am still having a lot of focus issues. So it is something we are going to look into, and she said that if I do have it medication could be helpful. 

After my session with my psychologist I had DBT group, which also went well. We discussed Opposite Action and Ride the Wave skills. A lot of it was about not pushing away emotions or numbing them, but observing and feeling them and riding them out without doing something impulsive. We also got yummy popcorn and Easter chocolates which was nice. It was a good group, and I enjoyed it. My group leader also commented on how happy I seemed. She said she hadn't seen me smile that much before.

The only crappy part of my day was bussing home after DBT. It was freezing out and I missed the bus, so I had to wait in the cold and didn't get home until 7 pm ( group ends at 5). I was in a pretty unhappy mood after walking the 20 minutes from the bus in the freezing wind, but once I got home and warmed up and had some food I felt better. 

At home I had to go through bins in out attic to find my schoolwork from when I was homeschooled, because sometime soon I am going to the assessment centre to find out what grade level I am at  for starting regular classes next year. I am really hoping I can get some credits through the assessment centre with my work. 

After that I did homework. I finished my experiment from the other day, and once I was finished I typed it up. So since I finished that I have now completed unit 3 and unit 4, so I was really really happy about that. Now I just have 1 and a half lessons till I am done. And then I have to do the exam, but apparently booklet exams are pretty easy so I'm not too worried about that. 

So overall it was a super amazing day!  

A Thoughtful Day

Monday was a day with a lot of thinking, but in a good kind of way. I woke up pretty exhausted because of my hiking adventures on Sunday, and it was rather difficult to drag myself out of bed. I got ready in a rush because I woke up late, but my mom drove me to school which was nice because I didn't have to bus. 

I got a lot of work done at school, which was good. There is one girl in my class who has severe anxiety, and she was really upset about something yesterday and she was crying in class. I wanted to help her, so I showed her a picture of a cute kitten on my phone to try and cheer her up a little. I don't know if it worked, but at least I tried. 

Co-op was not great. I was instructed to make a certain type of Easter cards for the kids to decorate, but I could not for the life of me figure out how to do it. I had some really major anxiety because I was sure that my supervisors were going to be really really angry and maybe fire me because I didn't do what they asked. Me and another girl who does co-op with me ended up asking them how to do it, and finally together we figured it out. But then I spent the whole time thinking that my supervisor was angry at me and I felt really stressed and it kind of put a damper on my shift. 

When I left to bus home, it was pouring rain and I didn't have an umbrella so I got pretty soaked. On the bus a girl got on the bus who looked like a girl that I met when I was in mental health inpatient at the hospital. It wasn't her, but It really made me think about inpatient again. And I thought about how in some ways I really miss inpatient, because you really don't have to deal with life when you are in the hospital. Obviously there are a whole lot of things I did not like at all about inpatient (the food, being locked in, no privacy, no computer, no life, the list goes on), and I would never want to back to that place or that time in my life. It just made me think about it. 

In the evening I went to Starbucks to get some homework done, and I got quite a lot done. And over Facebook I had an interesting conversation with N about conformity. It turned eventually into a conversation about zombies, but it was nice to have an actually intelligent conversation. 

When I went home I had a phone call with N, and made food. Then I headed to bed and listened to music for a while. 

Sunday Adventures

Sunday was an amazing day. I spent the morning doing a science experiment (limiting reagents), which science always puts me In a good mood of course. 

Then N came over and we went on a massive adventure!! He lives about a 20 minute drive away from me, so since we both like hiking a lot we decided to walk from my house to his house. And it was awesome! It took about 7 hours, so it was really really intense but so much fun. And I couldn't have picked a better person to do it with. We went on this massive trail that stretches across a big portion of the province, and he knew the trail pretty well and it was very nice in the woods. It was pretty hot, so I had to wear t-shirt which was scary because of the scars on my arms. But I did my best just not to worry about it, I know for sure that N won't judge me for it anyway (he self harms too), and when we got to his house and his family saw the scars they didn't say anything so maybe they judged me but oh well. N brought along something called jiffy pop, which is basically popcorn you can make on a camp stove. So we stopped at the edge of a road part way there and just relaxed in the beautiful weather eating popcorn. Then when we got close to his house we went to this little cliff area that has a beautiful view of the city (the picture really doesn't do it justice), and it was dark and you could see all the lights. And we made more jiffy pop, and then we just lay down on the rock beside each other staring at the sky and the lights and it was heaven. And the sky was cloudy, and I remember looking at the moon and thinking it looked like it was under water. I just felt so happy in that moment, just so content and peaceful. I need more moments like that in my life. Moments where things are just..good. I don't know how to do that though. Anyway when we got to his house it was basically just the biggest feeling of accomplishment and we both agreed that we were pretty awesome for doing that. N also told me that he is thinking of going to university at the one that is close to where we live, instead of the one that Is a few hours away. Which was good because it would be possible for us to still be friends, but also bad because it gives me false hope about a relationship with him. I used to use him leaving In the fall to convince myself I couldn't date him but now he might actually still be around. So I don't know what to do. I wish I knew how he feels about me. 

I was so exhausted by the time I got home that I basically just fell right into bed and asleep. It pretty much took up my whole day, so I don't really have anything else to write about. 

Lazy Saturdays

Today has been a lovely and relaxing day. I slept in until 10 am, and didn't even get dressed till after 12. Having had a long week, I am very much enjoying the downtime.

I did a very nice self-care routine today. I did a face mask, nice face scrub, body scrub, body moisturizer, and other stuff. Then I got all dressed up nice and I felt happy. It really does give you a good confidence boost to do something nice for yourself and pamper yourself a little. So yay me for using DBT skills! And when I was in the shower I had a razor to shave, and I didn't cut myself! I was so happy that I did it without cutting. I am really making steps forward.

After that I took my cats outside. That might sound weird, but my cats are indoor cats, and since the jump the fence if you let them out without watching them we sometimes go sit out in the backyard and supervise them so they don't run away. They really love going outside. My cats are really cute orange cats, one of them is really fat but I still think he is cute.

We had pizza in the afternoon which was a nice treat. They have gluten free pizza at Domino's Pizza (I have Celiac disease), and it was actually pretty good. We all sat as a family and ate pizza. Really we ordered it because no one wanted to cook, but I enjoyed it.

After that I did homework. I had to write a fake newspaper article about whether bottled water or tap water is safer, and then make a poster about vitamin C. I thought they were pretty stupid assignments because they really don't have much to do with chemistry, but eventually I just buckled down and did them anyway. Tomorrow I have to do an actual experiment so that will be better.

Since I finished my homework I have pretty much just been listening to music and staring at my ceiling, which I find very relaxing. I sometimes just sit and appreciate the fact that I can enjoy life. Just let go of all my thoughts and focus on the lovely way the light falls on the ceiling, or how much I like the lights around my window, or how good the music sounds in my headphones, and how the radio station is playing that song I like. In those moments I feel some strange peace, like the world is just the way it is supposed to be. And I feel as though the person I am and the person I want to be are aligning. I often have these moments when I am walking, when and I love the way the streets look, and I love the way my coat and shoes are just right, and there is beautiful sun, and there is symmetry in the street lines, and the wind is blowing but the sun is warm so I am just the perfect temperature, and I feel and look exactly the way I want to be. They are weird wonderful moments, and I don't know if it is a feeling other people get or if I'm just a little crazy.

I did find out something sad today though. I found out that Ned Vizzini, the author of "It's Kind Of A Funny Story", committed suicide in December. I was very sad that he was eventually unable to win against his depression, he was such an inspirational person and a very good author. Whenever I hear of someone creative committing suicide, it makes me just feel so sad and makes me wonder if there is any hope for those with artistic minds or if we are all doomed to be the victims of our own creative minds. I guess that a sharp mind is a sharp tool, and can be used very easily for good but also strongly for evil. And ultimately you just have to ensure you let out all that energy through creativity, because if you keep it all inside it will drive you mad.

Productivity

Today was a good day on the whole, although it had it's bad moments. I was pretty tired when I got up this morning, it was a little hard for me to get out of bed, because I stayed up late messaging N last night. But once I got up things weren't too bad. My pleasant activity for the day was "dress up pretty", so I actually put on makeup for a change and wore my favourite sweater. After that there was a bit of a bad moment, because I got really angry at my brother for basically no reason (gotta love unmedicated angry me) and it was not very good.

School actually went better today, which was good. I managed to get a lot done, so I am now only a couple assignments and 4 lessons away from completing the credit. We found out something pretty crazy today in class though. We found out that one of my classmates was assaulted last week at school, and the kid who did it is being charged and getting expelled. The whole thing was on security video tape so the police were involved.

Co-op was okay. I helped the kids with writing their letters, which was good but it meant I didn't get to go outside with the kids. Also, I got my employer evaluation back and I only got 80%. I was majorly disappointed. Maybe it's because I'm a perfectionist, but I also just felt like I have been doing well and deserved a higher mark than that.

Tonight was good, I went to Starbucks to study with my dad to study and I actually got a good amount of work done. I really like studying at Starbucks, I just wish it wasn't so expensive there. I might go again tomorrow though. I really want to get my credit done soon.

I got back on my meds today, because my dad got hold of my doctor and he called in my prescription. So that is really really good, because it means my mood will not go completely off the rails and I will feel better again.

I haven't talked to N at all today, and I have been trying not to be upset that he hasn't messaged me. My abandonment issues really bother me, I am always scared that people don't care about me and are going to leave the first chance they get. But I am supposed to see him on Sunday, so maybe then I will feel better about it.

Also, no self harm today! I am very proud of myself for that.

Well that's all for tonight. So glad that it is the weekend, as I am really exhausted. I look forward to relaxing.

Medication Problems and Bad Mornings

Today has been difficult. My day started off pretty terribly, with me waking up an hour earlier than I needed to. Then it got even worse when my dad walked into my room and asked "Are you okay?", and I made the realization that I had left my razor blade in the shower under a shampoo bottle after I cut last night. My dad looked so upset and worried about me, and I really wanted to comfort him but I didn't really know what I could say to make him feel better about it. That really made me feel like shit. I felt like such an idiot for forgetting it there, and I couldn't stop thinking about how upset my parents are now and how it's all my fault.

Today has also been especially tough because I ran out of Risperdal last night. We forgot to get a prescription from my psychiatrist on Monday, and he is now away for two weeks so I am not really sure what I'm going to do. I could really feel the difference already this morning, my mood has been really all over the place and I have been way more agitated and angry than usual. I have had a short fuse all day, and I have been taking it out on my family a little bit which I feel really bad for. But I really can't help, it's so hard to control my emotions when I'm not on my meds.

School was alright, I didn't get much done again, but I had a good talk with Mr. H. It looks like next year I will be transitioning out of his program (which is an independent learning type program, self paced and you can get extra credits if you're behind like I am), and going to regular classes at a high school that is closer to my house. I am both excited and terrified about this. I am excited that I am going to be getting a proper high school experience (I was home-schooled before going to Mr. H's program), but I am also scared that I won't be able to handle it. It will be so many people, and I am scared that they will judge me for still being in high school when I'm 18 (which I will be in the summer). I am concerned that I won't make any friends or will get bullied or something. Anyway it's just all pretty scary. But also exciting.

Co-op at daycare was good again. We spent most of time outside, and I played hide and seek and other fun stuff with them. I also had my evaluation by my employer today. I don't know for sure how it went, but Mr. H said I did good. I will get to look at the whole evaluation tomorrow.

After I got home I was suffering from a case of extreme boredom (as I often do), and I sat around doing nothing much but stress eating and then sitting around and being angry at myself for stress eating. Not really a great time. My family was driving me crazy, and I them, and I was just getting really agitated. Then I went jogging with my sister (after some major convincing by my dad and sister), which was really good right up until I had an asthma attack and had to stop running. It helped me clear my head a little though, which was good. After that I spent some time on my computer, listening to music and doing stuff.

 Then I needed to shower, and that was bad. I knew that if I had a shower I wouldn't be able to stop myself from bringing my blades and cutting. So I tried really hard to convince myself not too, but then I ended up doing it anyway. So now I have a bunch of cuts on my upper arm.

Now I am talking to N (he initiated the conversation) and listening to music.

Yesterday

Well I forgot to post on the second day of having my blog, so I guess I am pretty good at this whole blogging thing. Anyway, I figured I would write a post this morning about yesterday since I forgot. 

Yesterday started out as a good day, and then ended up as a bad day. In the morning I felt fine, I got up and made breakfast and then bussed to school. I was pretty tired because I stayed up too late on Tuesday night, but other than that things were good. 

School was okay. I was working on my chemistry, and it was a really frustrating lesson. A ton of content and I was having major focus issues which made it hard. Something annoying happened with one of my classmates too. She was talking to Mr. H about an assignment, and she was saying how she was "Soo OCD" because it really bothered her how one of here letters didn't fit on the right page or something. And it made me really angry, and I wanted to turn around and tell her to shut up because OCD is an illness that ruins peoples lives and liking things in order is NOT OCD. And then my teacher made it worse because he said that OCD will be really helpful to her in her career because it means attention to details and that as long as it wasn't interfering with her life it was a good thing. And I wanted to tell him that in order to be diagnosed with OCD, your symptoms HAVE to be severe enough to interfere with your life. And that it is not a good thing to have OCD!! The whole thing really upset me.

Then I went to my co-op at daycare, which was good. The kids are always so cute, and it always makes my mood better. The kids got me to draw a bunch of stuff for them again, and it's fun because it doesn't matter how good the drawings I do are they still love them. I also got to spend time with the two special needs children, pulling them around in a wagon when we went outside. They absolutely love being pulled in the wagon, and I like doing it. 

After daycare I bussed home, and that's when the trouble started. I'm not sure why, but my mood just started going down. It was difficult because I felt like I was watching myself starting to go down, but I couldn't actually do anything to stop it. But so I started to feel really bad, and then I really wanted to cut for some reason. I was trying not to, so I called N and we talked for a little bit. Sometimes it helps to just talk to someone, but I wasn't able to tell him how I was feeling so It didn't really help much. I am thinking that maybe he is getting sick of us talking all the time, and I'm worried that he is getting sick of me. So I decided that I am going to not talk to him for the next couple days just to give him some space if he needs it. Anyway, after calling him I didn't really feel any better, and so I ended up taking a shower and cutting. I felt really awful after, and really regretted it, but I just couldn't seem to help myself. After that it was late, so I went on tumblr a little bit and then I went to bed. 

So that was my day yesterday. I will post tonight about today. 

Beginnings

Hello world (or whoever may read this),

Welcome to my blog, a journal of my recovery from mental illness. I am going to make an effort to post everyday, simply talking about my day and reflecting any thoughts or experiences. Some of my posts may be completely random, and some may be just a boring outline of my day, but I will try and post at least some interesting or relatable things. Anyway I hope if you are reading this you will enjoy my blog! Now to begin with a recap of today....

Today was a good day as far as good days go. I didn't go to school today, so I spent the morning on tumblr and walked for an hour on the treadmill. I have been doing very well with getting exercise recently, which I'm sure will help with my mood.

At noon I left to walk to my appointment with my psychologist. She was located at a different hospital today and last week, so the appointment was within walking distance unlike the normal location, so I walked the hour to my appointment. I had a better session with her today than in previous weeks. I have been being a bit stubborn (or willful as she would call it) and our conversations have not been really going anywhere, but today I felt like we were back on the same page and we actually did some good problem solving around the issues currently bothering me. It went better partly because I was not in such an agitated mood as I was the last weeks, because I am back on my mood-stabilizing medication (which I stopped taking for a few weeks and hence had some crazy up and down moods). We talked about how relationship problems seem to be a big trigger for my low moods and also my cutting. She said that we will start discussing my relationship issues (including friendships and family relationships) in greater depth next week, because it seems to be a big problem for me. The last ten minutes of the session we did a mindfulness activity and went for a walk, which was nice. I enjoyed it, and I think my psychologist was glad to get outside and out of the hospital.

After I saw my psychologist, my dad picked me up and we went to DBT group therapy. The group that I am in the parents are asked to participate, so my dad comes with me. At group we learned about accumulating positive activities. We got two pages filled with a list of positive activities, and part of our homework is to try and do one activity each day. We also learned about setting short term and long term goals, and focusing on the positive side of things instead of just the negative. It was an interesting lesson and I actually really liked it. I think it will be helpful for me.

After group my dad and I went to Target to get me some new sneakers (mine have holes in them). So I got some red canvas sneakers that look pretty similar to the ones I had before. I also got a box of air dye. I am planning on dying my hair a nice red colour, which I am pretty excited about. I have never died all of my hair before so It is a little bit scary but I hope I will like it.

When I came home I went jogging with my sister, and had dinner. Then I basically just sat on my computer chatting with my best friend (I will henceforth refer to my best friend as N, and I should state for the record that N is my main friend right now and also happens to be my crush), listening to music, and blogging on tumblr. That is mostly what I've done for the rest of the night, because I have had a busy few days and I thought it would be nice just to relax. I talked with N about lots of random stuff as always, but also about what happened yesterday (both of us had cutting incidents yesterday). I am pretty worried about him, he has been self harming a lot lately.

I should probably go to bed now, because I have to go to school early tomorrow morning. So this concludes my first blog post. Thanks for reading if you happened to!