Today has been difficult. My day started off pretty terribly, with me waking up an hour earlier than I needed to. Then it got even worse when my dad walked into my room and asked "Are you okay?", and I made the realization that I had left my razor blade in the shower under a shampoo bottle after I cut last night. My dad looked so upset and worried about me, and I really wanted to comfort him but I didn't really know what I could say to make him feel better about it. That really made me feel like shit. I felt like such an idiot for forgetting it there, and I couldn't stop thinking about how upset my parents are now and how it's all my fault.
Today has also been especially tough because I ran out of Risperdal last night. We forgot to get a prescription from my psychiatrist on Monday, and he is now away for two weeks so I am not really sure what I'm going to do. I could really feel the difference already this morning, my mood has been really all over the place and I have been way more agitated and angry than usual. I have had a short fuse all day, and I have been taking it out on my family a little bit which I feel really bad for. But I really can't help, it's so hard to control my emotions when I'm not on my meds.
School was alright, I didn't get much done again, but I had a good talk with Mr. H. It looks like next year I will be transitioning out of his program (which is an independent learning type program, self paced and you can get extra credits if you're behind like I am), and going to regular classes at a high school that is closer to my house. I am both excited and terrified about this. I am excited that I am going to be getting a proper high school experience (I was home-schooled before going to Mr. H's program), but I am also scared that I won't be able to handle it. It will be so many people, and I am scared that they will judge me for still being in high school when I'm 18 (which I will be in the summer). I am concerned that I won't make any friends or will get bullied or something. Anyway it's just all pretty scary. But also exciting.
Co-op at daycare was good again. We spent most of time outside, and I played hide and seek and other fun stuff with them. I also had my evaluation by my employer today. I don't know for sure how it went, but Mr. H said I did good. I will get to look at the whole evaluation tomorrow.
After I got home I was suffering from a case of extreme boredom (as I often do), and I sat around doing nothing much but stress eating and then sitting around and being angry at myself for stress eating. Not really a great time. My family was driving me crazy, and I them, and I was just getting really agitated. Then I went jogging with my sister (after some major convincing by my dad and sister), which was really good right up until I had an asthma attack and had to stop running. It helped me clear my head a little though, which was good. After that I spent some time on my computer, listening to music and doing stuff.
Then I needed to shower, and that was bad. I knew that if I had a shower I wouldn't be able to stop myself from bringing my blades and cutting. So I tried really hard to convince myself not too, but then I ended up doing it anyway. So now I have a bunch of cuts on my upper arm.
Now I am talking to N (he initiated the conversation) and listening to music.
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